Tuesday, 28 January 2014

Super Strength Batteries

I've been blogging a few years now, and in that time I've had many a guest blog. However, I've never had one from a fellow ambulance blogger! To be honest I don't read many blogs, least of all ambulance ones. I just don't have enough time! However, I recently made contact with Binder, from not-on-my-shift.org after discovering his gem of a blog on Facebook! Despite having been blogging longer than me, I'd never seen it! I also saw his glowing recommendation for me, so felt compelled to make contact and say hello! (seriously, go and read ALL of his blog, it will have you laughing hard!)

To cut a long story short, a week later, I was in a harness, attached to a rope, and stuck 30ft up a wall hanging on for dear life. Far below me, was Binder, trying to convince me that letting go of the wall was a good idea. After a discussion with my inner psyche, I finally made peace with the fact I was sure to die, and let go of the wall. To my surprise, I didn't plummet to my death, I just hung there. Moments later I was back on the ground, stood next to a grinning Binder ready to go again. 

The afternoon passed with the exchange of war stories and as with most conversations between paramedics, it ended up being about foreign body insertions! EMS Rule #97 states that: 'Fellow paramedics always have a better story than yours.' Well ain't that the truth! I felt this story needed sharing, and who better to do it, than Binder himself! So, with all the pomp and circumstance it deserves, and without any further ado, I introduce my friend and colleague, Binder, author of not-on-my-shift.org.


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Super Strength Batteries

"You can feel it going . . . go on, have a feel" She said through tears and gritted teeth.

I placed my hand on her tiny stomach and sure enough, I could feel it . . . .


"Wow!" I said, genuinely impressed. I looked back up at our patient and smiled . . . not that this helped in any way. You see, our patient had managed to get a vibrator stuck in her rectum - and it was switched on at full speed.

She certainly was in a tizz. Tears were streaming down her face as she fought off vibrations from within and tried to bear down and force “it” out. Every now and then her hapless "partner" received a flurry of abuse and bore the brunt of her frustrations.

"You ARSEHOLE Peter*!! Super strength batteries!??? Super strength batteries!!?? Why'd you have to use SUPER STRENGTH FUCKING BATTERIES!! Oh GOD!!!"

We stood there slightly bewildered and somewhat superfluous to the poor woman's needs. Every time we'd try and calm her and make her as relaxed as she possibly could be - under the circumstances - she just burst out into a torrent of abuse aimed at her partner and then repeated another attempt at trying to get the vibrator out.

"Can you help me?!" she pleaded, squatting down and reaching round with one hand, "I mean, it's not going to go anywhere else is it?"

"No, I don't think so," I said, "you just need to relax more . . . sort of, let nature take it's course"

"I've drunk shit loads of the Colace, do you think that will help?"

"Um . . . "

"Look," she went red in the face as she bore down extra hard, ". . . I'm sure I can get it out, can you . . . Peter! PETER! PETER, you BASTARD!!"

Peter's muffled response came from within one of the cupboards, "What?!"

"GET THE FUCKING CRISP-N-DRY!!! I think I can . . . "

"Look," the other FRU said, "I think it's best we just pop you up the Hospital eh Tara*. We're not getting anywhere here are we. And I think it best a Doctor has a look yeh? Especially as you say Peter put in super strength batteries"

"Hospital?! Oh god no!" In between gritted teeth, a red face and streaming eyes, Tara gave us all wink and a smile, "I bet you lot are loving this aren't you!"

"No. Of course not Tara" We all shook our heads over theatrically.

Tara sighed deeply as if resigned to her lot, "Right . . . come on then! Let's go"

So, with a little assistance and a muffled BZZZZZZZ - BZZZZZZZ coming from her bellie we helped Tara onto the ambulance and left the crew to it. The Hospital were simply going to love this one.

*not their real names of course

Binder Smiff (2 f's)
A Paramedic Blog
"When life-saving adventure meets fiction! . . . . well, definitely more fiction really"

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