Monday 20 May 2013

Carry On Stabbing

"34 year old male, stabbed in leg"

Criminal (Crim-in-al)
Noun: A person who has committed a crime.
Synonyms: felon - malefactor - delinquent - offender - culprit

Idiot (Id-i-ot)
Noun: A stupid person.
Synonyms: fool - imbecile - blockhead - dunce - nitwit

Imbecile (Im-be-cile)
Noun: A person who's mental acumen is well below par.
Synonyms: fool - idiot - halfwit - cretin - moron

I am giving you these definitions to bear in mind whilst reading about this job.

Aren't Friday nights wonderful?! If ever you wonder what exactly the tax funded emergency services are doing, specifically police and ambulance (trumpton have their weekly table tennis tournament), then just stand on a street corner and watch the countless number of blue light vehicles career up and down the road! Then, if you get bored of that either go and look inside your local A & E or observe the activity outside your local police station! It is non stop! Most of the things we are dealing with are alcohol related illness or alcohol related crime, both of which stretch our capacity to bursting point. 

Today was no different. I often comment on how busy things are but as far as Friday nights go, tonight was absolute carnage! It really was like a war zone. After having a few drunks we'd scooped up and taken to hospital a stabbing was most welcome! The police were on scene so we headed straight to scene. What we were about to walk into, no amount of description could have prepared us for. You literally couldn't make it up!

Q. Let's say you are a criminal. Where is one place you would NOT want to commit a crime? Outside a police station?

Well, the location of said stabbing was indeed right outside the police station. Not only did it happen outside the main entrance, it was witnessed by 4 burly coppers so the stabber was quickly apprehended. Smooth!

Q. If you had a stubby nature and were....well....a stabber, what would be the goal of stabbing someone? To hurt or kill them perhaps?!

Well, the only person injured in the stabbing, was in fact the stabber. Why? Because he stabbed a man in his prosthetic leg. Yep, not the good leg, the gut, the chest, the back, the neck or the arms, oh no! He managed to stab the one part that was unstabable! The impact of such a solid object caused his hand to slip down the hilt of the blade and slice his own fingers open. Smooth!

Q. When running away from someone (i.e. The police), where do you look whilst running your heart out? Forward or backwards?

Well, in this case, the criminal stabber didn't look forwards. He looked back at the sudden plethora of policeman bearing down on him. Whilst running forward, and looking backwards he was attacked by lamp post and knocked himself unconscious. Smooth!

*cue our arrival of scene* 

Our patient was the smooth criminal who had stabbed himself outside a police station and knocked himself unconscious. He was very much alert when we arrived, saying it was self defence and the war veteran with one leg had been trying to mug him, so he pulled out the kitchen knife he happened to have on him and protected himself. Oh how we all laughed! Perhaps when he had that brainwave it came about in not too dissimilar a fashion to one of Baldrick's cunning plans!

I bandaged his hand, bandaged his head and he was loaded onto the truck, not before he managed to spit at me. That went down well! 

Q. Seriously though, who tries to mug someone outside a police station and then manages to stab himself , cause no injury to their victim and get knocked out in the escape process?! 

A.  A Criminal, An Idiot, An Imbecile


  1. So this is what I have to look forward to when I start my training for scas in september!

    How do you stop yourself from knockong the idiot out after he spat at you?

    Another great post by the way.

  2. I hope he'll also get charged for assault in your good self??

  3. I really should stop reading your blog whilst drinking my morning coffee.... this one made my day, I am laughing so hard yet can't quite believe the stupidity!

  4. OMG. I am sorry but this is so tragic and hilarious all at the same time! You got the emotional rollercoaster going on this one.You couldn't make this stuff up. But it enrages me that he spit at you - someone who was helping him! Argghghghgghh.
    PS I love your blog - this is precisely the type of blog why I read blogs. You just can't get this stuff anywhere else. I just want to commend your work and am so glad you have the energy to do what you do plus the blog!

  5. Pahahaha that's brilliant. You're on fire with ypur blogs at the moment. I love them all, happy, daft or year jerkers. @fluffyshell

  6. Oh that has proper made me laugh! You seriously couldn't make that up haha x


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