Thursday 5 July 2012

Snap out of it

“27 year old female, feeling unwell, tired"

Just another day, another dollar. The usual routine; wake up, shower, get dressed, make lunch, drive to work, get crap out of locker, chuck it on a truck, check the bags, check the cupboards, drive off for 12 hours of the usual. Job to job to job; the same old patients, the same frustrations and no thanks for it. It really does get you down sometimes! As for the patient, man up springs to mind!

She lived in a nice area, her flat was a nice size, clean and tidy, nothing out of place and she was well dressed and well presented. She was well spoken and very polite. What could possibly be wrong? She didn’t seem in any pain, she had a smile on her face and cracked jokes. She couldn’t really explain what the problem was and knew it was nothing she needed an ambulance for, but she didn’t want to go back to the GP. The last time she did she was fobbed off with a prescription and told to diet and exercise.  She was just... feeling unwell. So here we are. What is the problem?!

She took a deep breath... “OK, from the beginning...

...I suppose it started during my teenage years to a point; broken family etc blah blah blah, always a brave face but I suppose it took its toll. Self esteem was low, confidence was low but I suppose you just cope don’t you? A marriage painted over the cracks, 6 years of happiness and distractions and a lovely child to add to the mix made everything seem OK. After the marriage ended there was a rebound relationship that painted over more cracks. I suppose that wasted year gradually chipped away at any remaining confidence there was and after being left a shell, rock bottom was reached. All the while though, a well painted exterior left no one the wiser. Even my closest allies were unaware. Panic attacks began, intrusive thoughts plagued me and sleep became an issue. 3 months of 2-3 hours sleep a night took its toll. Bags under eyes is not a good look on me!


Despite the self-inflicted isolation and a full box of prescribed anti-depressants that I refused to touch, I found a way out. I suppose being as low as can be makes improvement all the more possible. I climbed out of the swamp of self pity and changed my lifestyle. The fake smile was more sincere and I felt good again. This lasted for 6 months. I found ways to deal with my insecurities and achieved a lot of personal goals. I had a good relationship with my ex which my son benefited from, I was fit, active, had a close group of loyal friends, I got this lovely flat in a lovely area, my family is caring and supportive, I live comfortably, I eat well, I could do what I want when I want. What is there to be miserable about? Nothing!


Not so. Despite my new found ‘happiness’ there was also an inherent loneliness. A void that was not being filled. A cloud I was unable to see through. A cloud that engulfed me. The unspoken D was looming again, threatening to rear its ugly head. No one could spot the signs as no one knew it had been there in the first place. For 4 months now I have not been sleeping. I don’t mean the odd night of broken sleep, I mean not sleeping. My job is demanding and exhausting; after an 84 hour week I should be tired enough to sleep but I can’t. I can’t switch off. I lie awake for hours on end. 1am, 2am, 3am, 4am, 5am, now it’s time for an hours kip, 6am, hours kip, 7am, wide awake. The next day I am back to work. The annoying thing is it was work that triggered my current demise. There was an incident in which I was hospitalised which caused a long spell on my sofa. A long time to think, take stock and over think. I couldn't exercise, I couldn't really socialise and it felt like all the positive changes I had made were being undone. It was like I was watching it happen but unable to stop it snowballing. It knocked my confidence and left me resentment about the job I loved. Once back to work the damage was done,and I was left feeling like I was existing, not living, yet all the while the smile is still there. 


I hear people talking of depression and saying ‘why don’t they just snap out of it’. I want to. I can’t. It isn’t a choice. If I had a choice between a physical illness or a mental one I’d choose the former. Instead I get both. Maybe that is the problem. If it's not one it's the other. I don’t know. Looking in from the outside I have nothing to stress about. I have more than most people. I have a lovely, happy, healthy son who lights up my world. Surely that is enough? I have a job that pays well compared to a lot of people. I am not isolated from friends or family even though I feel it and isolate myself. I have a roof over my head. Seriously, surely I can just snap out of it?


It’s a cycle. You lie awake not able to sleep. Because you are awake your mind is at work. 5 hours awake in the dark gives you time to over think everything. You confuse yourself. You upset yourself. You feel alone. You wake up exhausted. You feel like you have been hit by a bus. Every day it becomes more and more of a struggle to leave the house. Your motivation is completely gone. The simplest of tasks become a chore. You feel lazy but there is no willingness to be pro-active. You feel horrible about yourself because you are so tired you are snappish. You start to snap at the people who are close to you but they just think ‘someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed’. You feel guilty and obsess over everything you are doing or saying. Tired and weary you get back into bed. Now you are stressed about your behaviour and your relationships in your life and can’t sleep or switch of. 1am, 2am, 3am, 4am, 5am, now it’s time for an hours kip, 6am, hours kip, 7am wide awake. It eats away your confidence and your self esteem. You feel like a shell.


Work doesn't help. I see things every day that add to my problems. I do have forums to vent and talk it out but I would be lying if I said things don't get to me. They do. I'm haunted by a lot. I struggle to deal with what life throws at people. A lot of the time I am fed up with hearing everyone else's problems. What about mine?! I can't avoid my work, I have to drag myself in every single day knowing that there is a high chance I'll be lying in bed later thinking about it. 




When does it stop? I don’t want to be that medicated patient. I don’t want to list antidepressants to the ambulance crew. I don’t want the big D on my medical record. I don’t want to talk to my GP about it; I won’t talk to best friend about it so the GP doesn’t stand a chance! Maybe I’ll just carry on smiling. No one will know. I don’t know. I think I’ll just stay here.” 



She didn't need hospital and didn't go, she just needed to talk it out, but it does raise questions. It’s a very common job, a very common problem. It’s probably more common that the stats suggest. How many people are suffering in silence? It isn’t an emergency and doesn’t warrant an ambulance but it does need addressing. Like all mental health, there is a stigma around it, a perception of weakness and misery that is not true. The fact that it can go so well hidden is testament to that. You can't just snap out of it. There is help out there, it just takes the courage to admit and find it. Unfortunately, until it is accepted as a genuine illness people will hide from it, deny it and do nothing about it. Luckily, she isn't hiding from it, denying it and is doing something about it.

The she is me.



If you are struggling with any of the issues raised in this post I highly recommend The Blurt Foundation. They are great to talk to, in total confidence, anonymously and online. 

51 comments:

  1. So open and honest. Huge hugs. Such a powerful post

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! Been meaning to write it for a while but didn't know how or what to say. Thank you x x x

      Delete
    2. Amazing post. I can relate to every aspect. I've been secretly worried that my black dog will affect my ability to become a good Paramedic, but you're proof that it doesn't. Thank you for that post Ella, and keep riding the storm x x

      Delete
  2. I admire your bravery on a post like this. I've been there and I sympathise wholeheartedly. Anti-D's worked for me, but I know they aren't for everyone. *hugs* I hope you get to a good place soon.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know they work for some and may work for me but it is a route I am not keen on going down. Thank you for the comment x

      Delete
  3. You are so brave writing this, ella!

    I suffer from depression as well, I have suffered from it since 2004 on and off, I had a rough upbringing. I got admitted to a secure hospital due to a suicide attempt and I got put on citalopram, it took a while to get the levels correct and in that time I self harmed and ligatured and I took an overdose whilst I was out on leave from the hospital. I have been out of hospital now since 2009, I still have my bad days and I still self harm sometimes but I am trying to put it behind me now. Im still on a 20mg dose of citalopram, but I understand the antidepressants do not work for everybody.
    I hope you get better soon

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't see it as brave, I didn't want to hide it, it was just finding a way to write it and say everything I wanted to say. Glad you have found a way that suits you xx

      Delete
  4. Brave and Honest, thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I am currently on antidepressants after a bout of panic attacks, sleeplessness to the point of getting no more than 4hrs in a 24hr period, not eating, crying loads and becoming agoraphobic. I too didn't want to go the doctors, but I had to do something. I have a wonderful doctor who explained that I had used up all my serotin levels due to several difficult life events and that the tablets will help to correct my chemical imbalance. I have to say I took them reluctantly but they are working. After six months on them I am due to go back to the doctors this week to hopefully reduce my dosage. Saying that I had a bit of a blip as my son went missing this weekend - of his own choice it turns out but dealing with the police etc... started the anxiety building again.

    I have been to CBT and learned that are many people out there all trying to cope with the same illness. I am determined to get better and I hope you are winning the same battle. Depression is isolating and makes you feel so alone. You feel like a failure but recognising and dealing with it means that you are already winning. XXX

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's why I wanted to write this post, it was just finding a way to say it! Thank you for you comment and what you said x

      Delete
  6. As soon as I saw you had a new blog up I had to read it - they are always such a brilliant read. What I didn't expect was for the tears streaming down my face on the way to work - thank god for waterproof mascara!! Although the redness of my face still gives it away a little.

    As Shift Widow has said, it is brave and honest and I too thank you for your courage and for sharing this difficult personal fight.

    It has touched a chord with me. I have, since I was 12, struggled to cope with 'bouts' of depression. I have spoken to counsellors on and off since that first 'incident', taken various anti-Ds, when all I really wanted was to talk to my parents.

    My depression is different in ways to yours - in fact doesn't everyone experience depression differently? But I don't find sleeping a problem and I can not for a minute imagine what it must feel like to simply function with such little sleep.

    I describe my depression as a barrel, to which I hit the bottom on a regular basis. Often though, I find that when I get to the bottom of the barrel it is a false bottom which I have to lift up and find myself falling even deeper. At times like these I have suicidal thoughts. Specifically, I get the urge to drive myself off the road. I don't care about the people who might find me, the paramedics, my parents, my sister, my friends... but my children are my salvation. I could never bring myself to leave them without a mother.

    Reading your blog has reminded me of those dreadful lows - I'm brighter these days despite the grey weather! When I get home from work tonight I will hold my kids tighter, smother them with kisses and silently thank them for keeping me alive.

    Thank you, so much xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! Such a lovely comment and a great analogy. The lack of sleep sucks, this is true. There have been people that have lifted me recently and that is why I was able to write this post. Thanks for the comment. Glad you have the urge to read!! :-) xx

      Delete
  7. i've already told you how your suicide blog saved me. i was going to read this without commenting as i do all your blogs, but i couldn't. i have the opposite problem to you, i can't wake up. i sleep all the time yet am tired all the time. i've had the no sleep. once staying awake for almost 72 hours straight and ended up hallucinating. everything seems so much blacker with no sleep. i commend you on your work. your blogs have opened my eyes and have shocked me. i am sending you hugs and hope you can beat this. i'm on my way up, not quickly, too slowly for my liking but i'm doing it and i hope with all my heart you do too. you are an amazing person and deserve to be happy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I moan about not being able to sleep but i'm sure the opposite equally has its problems. Both tired but for different reasons! Glad you are on the way up! x

      Delete
  8. Amazing post that I can really relate to xxx

    ReplyDelete
  9. Thank you for sharing Ella, its a brave thing to do as the stigma is very real. I have suffered with chronic clinical depression for 16yrs and was diagnosed with BPD last Nov'. I know in A&E folks with BPD are seen as attention seekers and time wasters. No one wants to live with mental illness, the agony of which is unbarable. It must be difficult to live with ur struggles knowing that ur fellow clinicians can be so intolerant of these issues. I applaude ur candor and hope that it goes some way to Stamp Out The Stigma. With much love Clare

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Happy to share! Stamp Out The Stigma indeed. It needs addressing, just with it wasnt such a fopar subject! x

      Delete
  10. Thank you for writing this.... I also have long running depression the doctors don't want to do anything about except antiDs which i refused as last time changed me from depressed to suicidal... Id rather be miserable than dead but would love to get real help. My job also makes me worse, although mine is a tame job compared to yours. I isolate myself as i feel ugly/hated/miserable... At work whenever i talk all other staff end the conversation fast. Then comments like what were we saying before she butted in? Makes me not even try to communicate for a few more shifts. Thanks!

    Im going for a bit of a rant here, so I'll shh. But thanks for writing this... I might just go back to my doctors and tell them im still not well.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I feel the same about anti Ds. I dont trust them and that all the GP wanted to offer. Ignore people who make you feel worse. I do! Thanks for the comment. xx

      Delete
    2. Just a follow up comment, still think work is a bad plan for me. But got put on a-d back in October. X

      Delete
  11. I'm someone else who had resisted antidepressants for a long while. I'm on a lowish dose of one now, and it's one of the best things I did.

    A friend once described mental health etc as a bucket with a hole in the bottom. Stressful events, or even just life in general, pour in the top, like water.
    If you're lucky, they pour in slowly, and run out through the hole in the bottom. If you're unlucky, the bucket fills up and the feelings overflow.

    I think antidepressants give you a bigger bucket - they don't take away the problems, but they do make it easier to deal with them.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Awesome analogy! I'm trying other methods for now as some of the things I want to do in my career prevent anti depressants on your recent medical history! Thanks for the comment! x

      Delete
    2. That seems a bit daft. If some of it's work-related, I hope Occupational Health are helping you!

      Delete
    3. Noooooooooo staying well clear of Occi Health!

      Delete
  12. I am a long term depression sufferer, on and off since I was 12. My mum has been seeing a therapist for 25 years and yet everyday admits that she never wants to wake up and that my kids are all that keep her going.

    Depression sucks, strangely enough I am currently going through a really crap patch in my life and the depression hasn't sucked me in again yet.

    I love your blog, I love your honesty and I love the care and support you offer to those who need it on your job and your wannabe attitude to those who take liberties with your service!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much! Lovely comment! Really appreciate it! Good luck, i'm sure you'll bounce back! x

      Delete
  13. Wow! This is probably the best, most accurate post on depression I've encountered. I'm currently recovering from my first episode of depression. I was diagnosed in April. I was prompted to go to the GP after my sleeping pattern went out the window. Like you, I literally could not sleep even though I felt more exhausted than ever. I could not eat. I was put on antidepressants and they've worked wonders. They've allowed me to function. Depression is like a wrecking ball. It destroys everything, your self esteem, your motivation, your hope. Everything. It takes time and effort to get it back. I hope you get a handle on it soon X

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you very much! Really appreciate that!

      Delete
  14. Well done, I know it is super hard to "own up" to being depressed especially when you appreciate you have a life which is essentially pretty good. I admire your honesty and openness. *said in a non condescending tone*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I didnt read it in a condescending tone! Thanks for the comment. Appreciate it! x

      Delete
  15. Wow. So powerful. Well done for writing about this x

    ReplyDelete
  16. I know how difficult it was to write this, and even harder to experience it every day, and carry on with your job, your responsibilities and your writing. But I am glad you have done all of the above and hope you continue to keep fighting to get through to the other side of what is a nasty and much misunderstood illness, and you know I am here for you x

    ReplyDelete
  17. Post Natal Depression has been my battle since my daughter was born 26m ago

    I have found blogging helps so much but mainly because its out me in touch with so many other parents in the same boat, and they all agree the same thing it needs be spoken about more!

    #smashingthestigma

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I read a number of posts that eventually inspired me to write this one. Its great to see other people in the same position, Thanks for the comment. Appreciated x

      Delete
  18. Thanks for sharing Ella. I have lived with depression for most of my adult life but only started on A/D's about 6 years ago when things got really bad- relationship breakdown, whole life changed etc. They have really helped get my life back to 'normal'. It is a hard thing to live with and to talk about and the fear is that people won't understand. Good luck with it all and find someone to talk to- it helps! I think our jobs sometimes help to put things into perspective but sometimes it also makes it worse. xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yep, some days it really does help but other days, its as if I am watching someone talk at me about their problems and I just want to explode! Thank you x

      Delete
  19. Great post, depression is so misunderstood. I care for my husband, he has a degenerative disease but truth be told the depression is the reason I need to watch him. Too many people have told me 'youre not doing him any good taking care of him all the time, he needs to snap out of it & get on with it'. Incredibly helpful, not.
    His physical problems are increasing, as is the depression but I can't trust him to family as this is their attitude so I rely on friends & Social Services. A little kindness and understanding is all it takes.
    I developed depression when he was initially ill but I've thankfully recovered & although I feel overwhelmed at times I know the difference & would never dismiss it.
    I find writing helps, I frequently commit grisly & horrible murders on paper of the people who hack me off. Disguised as characters of course. His initial gp who told me I was overreacting and hysterical when he self harmed met a gruesome end..... ;-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you very much, appreciate the comment. I know what you mean about others not getting it. I have seen it and experienced it xx

      Delete
  20. Thank you for sharing your experiences. I have had depression in the past and have had bpd diagnosis in all its glory for about 4 years or so. I find the periods when I have had chronic insomnia are crippling although managing about 5-6 hours a night at the moment :). It is so lonely and the knock-on effects and my resulting behaviour just add to the mix. So many people have said the 'snap out of it', 'get a grip' equivalents. Honestly, do they not realise we would if we could and that mh is not a choice.

    This year I have been coming off my medications and can see that in reality, they only worked for short periods before being changed again. Therapy (in the form of dbt) has been helpful for me.

    I hope you find a way to push the depression back and keep it at bay in a way you feel comfortable with.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! I think the stigma around it is what is holding people back from confronting it. Thats where efforts need to be focused. Thanks for the comment xx

      Delete
  21. My 14 year old daughter has been diagnosed with clinical depression and I wonder what the future holds for her. Who knows maybe attitudes will start to change. Here's hoping....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hope she gets the help she needs. Good luck x

      Delete
  22. Really powerful blog and I identify with so much. the two scariest days of my life were the day my counsellor suggested I might've hit a point in my 'journey' (sounds bit wanky but actually is the right word) that I wasn't gonna be able to get through without medication and a day where I spent 12 solid hours on my own fighting an almost overwhelming need to kill myself.

    you're right, so right, the stigmatising needs to stop. then honesty like your blog and all of us who've felt safe to comment without feeling judged can grow.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the comment, who you say stikes a chord with me to x

      Delete
  23. Wow so moving, I have Bpd and depression (that's the first time I've admitted it) :-/ and it sucks and people just don't understand, I feel completely ashamed to admit my problems to anyone, and I've been this way since I was 5 now I'm 24 although its sound horrible there is a tiny bit if comfort knowing others even people you wouldn't expect to experience something similar so I'm not the only one like this sorry now I'm rambling great blog x

    ReplyDelete
  24. Lovely blog, feels exactly how I do. I am a qualified RMN and I am going through the same thing. Have two lovely children but had to pack my job in due to the insomnia, to the point of exhaustion and tearful breakdowns. I enjoy all your posts especially the mental health ones, there will always be a stigma and for us healthcare professionals we are just expected to 'get on with it'. I am looking to go into paramedics and have looked at applying, I just don't know if it's something I can do physically & mentally. I really admire you strength and honesty you sound like a great, down to earth CARING human being. :-) kel @kelemartine

    ReplyDelete
  25. Thank You Ella! I'm reading this with tears streaming down my face. The fact that you chose today to share this is bizarre. This is right where I am, right now, apart from the AD's. Won't speak to my GP, not a chance! Not having that on my record. Never experienced anything like this before and just can't snap out of it. I have talked to my best friend about it today tho, so maybe that's a start.....

    ReplyDelete

I love comments! All bloggers do! If you have something to say, agree or disagree I would love to hear it! I will reply to all! (or try my very best!) If however, you're a troll, save your breath!

Due to an increase in spam I moderate comments but ALL genuine comments will be posted. See above exclusions!