Monday 18 June 2012

Priorities


What do you want for your kids? Success, happiness, good health etc, are all things that are top of the list. The dads may wish their son becomes a footballer or a golfer. The mums amongst us may wish their daughter becomes a dancer or a doctor (The chavs amongst us want them to be a WAG!). These aspirations are generally a flitting fantasy based on our own childhood wishes and realistically we just want the basics. We put a strong onus on them being good people with a good work ethic and to have a good character with good moral fibre and good manners. We just want them to be good! We are there to nurture their interests, guide them through the good and bad times and hope they leave with enough social nous to make their way in the big wide world. There will be slip-ups along the way, that is a given, parenting being the prime example. I have certainly made my fair share of faux-pas during my almost 5 years as the owner of a boy!

"5 year old female, fallen, bleeding from face"

It was a gorgeous summer evening, the kind of evening where all you can think about is being sat in the garden, a BBQ, a jug of Pimms, some music and the company of friends. There was the smell of burning charcoal in the air and the thought of sizzling meat and a token potato salad was frustrating and making me drool. Why? Because I was 4 hours into a 12 hour shift in an ambulance with no air-con and my lunch bag only housed a soggy tuna sandwich and a warm bottle of water. Yes, before you ask, I AM living the dream. The 'bleeding from face' appeared on our MDT and was met with all the enthusiasm you could expect. We now had a choice; drive 4 miles with windows open and risk losing our sense of hearing or drive 4 miles with the windows closed and risk melting to death. We opted for the former! Needless to say, 4 miles later we wandered towards the front door of our patient's house with a severe ringing in our ears.

As we approached the door we could hear the crying. All kids have their very own set of cries. There is the hunger cry, the pain cry, the tantrum cry, the ill cry, the fake cry, the overtired cry and the 'give me what I bloody want' cry. We all know them and deal with them in different ways. I could tell, as we were walking up the path, this was a pain cry. When our kids are in pain, what do we do? Comfort them, reassure them, play down what has happened: 'it's not that bad', 'shall I kiss it better?', 'you're being so brave' etc. It is natural; we will do anything and tell them any lie we can, just to make them feel better. It's called parenting. 

"Hello there, what's happened today?"

"She slipped on da wet floor gettin' out of da barf and smashed her face on the floor, oh my god, there is blood EVERYWHERE"

She ushered me into the little girl's bedroom but before I could say anything she had time to quickly berate her for mucking around at bath time. 

"It's OK, it doesn't matter, have you hurt yourself?" I asked the girl as I knelt down.

Before she could answer through the tears, mum interjected:

"Oh my god, it's really deep, it won't stop bleeding, oh my god, she's gonna need stitches and EVERYFING. It looks awful"

No wonder she was crying, poor little thing. I tried my best to assure her that it was OK and I was just going to have a look. The mum butted in again:

"Oh my days, her face is gonna be fucked up, she's gonna have a scar, she can't have stitches on her face, oh my days!"

Just out of interest, what exactly are you imagining here? A large cut across the forehead bleeding profusely? A fat lip and a nasty gash somewhere on the face? How about if I said it was a 3mm cut underneath the chin, not remotely visible if you were looking at her! Yes... I know. Why the drama?!

"It's not that bad at all, it's not even bleeding now, it won't need stitches and probably won't even need glue." conciliate.

"It needs glue, it has to be glued, I can't risk a scar, tell 'em it has to be glued."

"The hospital will decide but it is so small and under her chin they probably won't bother to be honest." I continue.

"Nah, I ain't 'avin that, they 'av to glue it, I want her to be a model, I can't have her havin' a scar or a fucked up face, no way, she's gonna be a model, I ain't 'avin her let me down cause of a scar."

You can imagine what was going through the little girl's head and why she had a totally rational fear of me. She was crying, waiting for an ambulance to come and take her away. Take her away because her face 'looked awful', it was bleeding everywhere, there was going to needles and stitches, she was going to have a scar and if she failed at becoming a model her mum was giving off the impression she would love her less! THIS is not parenting. This is madness & I had to tell the mother that she was scaring her child for no reason. I spent a few minutes chatting to the kid, convincing her there would be no needles or stitches and a nurse was just going to look at it and probably give her a sticker for being so brave!

"Will I be able to go to school tomorrow?"

"Of course you will! What are you doing at school tomorrow? Anything fun?"

"I'm doing a dance in assembly and then there is a cake sale." she said with a grin.

Cue mum...

"But I've told you that you can't eat cake or you'll get fat. Also we don't know the hygiene in other people's kitchens, it could be minging"

Cue despair...

I have clearly led a sheltered life up until now. Obviously you see pushy parents on TV, but weight conscious 5 year olds? Mums obsessed with living their own fantasy through their kid's short childhood? Doesn't that only happen in American pageants? I really don't know what distressed me more, her inability to make her child feel better when distressed or her unhealthy obsession with her daughter's future. I just wanted to scream 'LET HER BE A KID'! Success? Happiness? Good health? They certainly appeared so far down on the list of priorities in this household. Aspirations of grandure are never healthy and the pressure and expectations can ruin a childhood.  The 'ambulance' in me wanted to tell her off about inappropriate use of the service. Kids fall over, they get bumps, they get bruises, they get up, they cry, you kiss, you feed, they smile. Simple. The parent in me wanted to tell her to calm down, comfort, kiss and hug her daughter, stop frightening her and make everything better. The foodie in me wanted to say 'just let her eat some bloody cake'! Instead, I kept schtum, blew up a rubber glove and made it look like an elephant. 


Cue the smile...

13 comments:

  1. As maddening as it is sometimes the best thing is to say nothing but I hear you on every count. Some parents just aren't worthy of the title! Kudos to you x

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    1. If I bite my tongue any more then i'll have no tongue left!

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  2. Wow that was so sad. That poor child, you hear of parents like this but you don't actually want to think it's true and they actually exist. No doubt that "mother" has or will be on Jeremy Kyle! Brilliant post, I was sent here on mammy woo's recommendation! I look forward to your posts! :)

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    1. I'm sure I spend most of my life in the company of Jeremy Kyle candidates! Thanks for the comment and for reading! I'm glad Mammy Woo sent you over here! She's a star!

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  3. Does that count as emotional abuse? Would the child count as a vulnerable child? After all the mother's approach could lead to the child having issues such as anorexia later in life? Where should we draw the line?

    P.S. loving the glove elephant. My glove faces ALWAYS fail miserably.

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    1. I don't know, it's a grey area! Probably not, she was cared for in the traditional sense, just being brought up with warped values. Who knows! :(

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  4. That is so sad, I have a 5 year old who I adore. Falls are treated inthe normal way, hugs, kisses and lots of magic rubs. She is beautiful inside and out and nothing will ever change that for me, cuts or not!

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    1. Exactly, I think that is what everyone normal wants!

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  5. Speechless is the word that springs to mind! Those are the sort of parents that you imagine exist but are not quite sure if they're a figment of your imagination.

    Let kids be kids. They want to grow up far too quickly already and being an "adult" isn't all that fun at times. The issues that little girl is going to develop if her mum carries on in that fashion doesn't bear thinking about.

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  6. Hi Ella , Me with kids can just about look after myself. But it seems to me that you have thrown the parenting handbook out the window and just used common sense and past experience and help from groups . Owner of a 5 year old with MOT and service history. You have defiantly got your head screwed on maybe on some of the jobs you wish that wasn't the case. Love reading your posts. Don't know if you monitor older posts as i am working my way through them but all the thought of the pictures for each post takes time and then writing it as well. And really love "trying my patients " screen . Did you do it yourself ? After effects ?
    Anyway i leave you with a joke am sure you have heard many of times. Did you know that when i was younger i wanted to be a doctor? I gave up because i didn't have any patients. Ta Da.

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  7. Hi Ella , Me with kids can just about look after myself. But it seems to me that you have thrown the parenting handbook out the window and just used common sense and past experience and help from groups . Owner of a 5 year old with MOT and service history. You have defiantly got your head screwed on maybe on some of the jobs you wish that wasn't the case. Love reading your posts. Don't know if you monitor older posts as i am working my way through them but all the thought of the pictures for each post takes time and then writing it as well. And really love "trying my patients " screen . Did you do it yourself ? After effects ?
    Anyway i leave you with a joke am sure you have heard many of times. Did you know that when i was younger i wanted to be a doctor? I gave up because i didn't have any patients. Ta Da.

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  8. Hi Ella sounds like you have thrown the parenting handbook out the window and relied on common sense and past experience and help from groups. Me and kids , i can just about look after myself at the moment. All the effort in producing a post from finding the pictures that are so relevant to the subject takes time and effort. Love reading the posts and working my way through the older ones. I love your "Trying my patients " screen . Did you do it yourself ? After effects? Don't know if you monitor comments from older posts or not but with these blogs you become a bit of a online celebrity. Not really TV but Reality blog.

    Take out put the fear of devil into a child. I saw on yahoo that in the USA they were selling wigs for babies , talk about starting self conscious issues early.Am sure you heard it many times but will end this post with a joke. Did you know when i was younger i wanted to become a doctor? I gave up because i didn't have any patients. TA Da

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  9. That is the best use of a glove I have evet seen!! Brilliant elephant.

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