Thursday 7 June 2012

Left Behind

"34 year old male, ? Collapsed behind closed doors"

This job gives you a lot of strength in many ways. I suppose it's fair to say it's good for character building.  Over the years I have found myself in various situations, where when I look back, I think 'how did I hold it together?' I often feel that the job has desensitised me to a lot of things. It has to. Everyone has their own coping mechanism and ways to deal with different situations. The much vaunted 'gallows humour' is something that all emergency services use. Perhaps after seeing the same thing over and over again, it just doesn't matter any more. There are some jobs however, that don't come along every other day or even every other month. These are the jobs you remember. Everyone remembers their first cardiac arrest, their first dead body, their first baby delivered etc and today was no different. As far as a day goes, it didn't feel right. I was just on edge, no idea why. When the call came down I knew it would be a serious job. We get  'collapsed behind closed doors' ever week but this just felt different. We headed round to the address to find two women standing at the front door. 

We grabbed our stuff and headed over. It was the patients partner and mother. They hadn't been able to get through to him all morning, afternoon or evening. It was now 10pm. His car was outside the house and they could hear his phone ringing inside. The police had been requested but we had no ETA so we decided to try and get in ourselves. The door had been locked from inside so forced entry was our only option. My crew mate stepped up and gave the door a kick but she just bounced back off the door. I then had a go. After three kicks, the door swung open with a deafening bang as the brass door knob crashed into an iron radiator. The sound billowed through the hallway. The goal was to get in and we had achieved that but now a feeling I'll never forget engulfed me. I had a pitted knot in my stomach and was very apprehensive about going in any further. The hall was pitch black and the house felt cold and motionless. I shouted as I gingerly walked forward. All I heard back was silence. The light came on and lit up the downstairs. My crew mate entered the only closed door but the room was empty. Upstairs it was then.

I looked up and braced myself. I don't like exploring dark, empty houses at the best of times but today I was really nervous. It was a split staircase, and as I went up the first few steps I could feel my heart pounding. I pressed the light switch on the wall beside me and a single bulb illuminated the stair well. As I turned halfway up, I saw my crew mate and the two woman starring up at me with a look of expectation. I continued up, the stairs creaking with each movement, and as I got to the penultimate step my breath was taken away. I had looked to the right down the dark landing and six feet from me, poorly lit was a silhouette. It was the silhouette of our patient. I was the silhouette of him hanging, motionless from the loft hatch. I still see it like I do a photo. A moment locked in time that will stay with you, haunt you perhaps, forever. We cut him down, the tragic and gut-wrenching pain that his loved ones were experiencing was palpable. It's not a nice sight for someone who is used to seeing some pretty horrible sights. For someone who isn't, I can't to imagine what that feels like. We laid a blanket over his body and went downstairs to where his family had gone. 

For us we could immerse ourselves in protocols. The guy had been dead for hours so we called the police to confirm an unexpected death, we filled out our paperwork and our Recognition Of Life Extinct form for the coroner. It all seems very scientific but it's a way to remove yourself from what the natural human reaction is to do. Cry. Seeing a relative cry in mourning is enough to put the lump in my throat and make me well up. They are horrific situations and no amount of training would make a difference. What do you say? What can you say? There is no way to powder coat what had happened. The evidence was there for them to see. It wasn't just knowing their partner or their son was dead, it was knowing how desperate he felt before his death to do what he did. Those feelings are what will haunt them just as much as seeing him hanging there. Every suicide effects many more people than the ones you see. There are always the ones who are left behind. The ones who feel that pain every day. The ones who still have to live their lives. Alone. That is the tragedy of suicide. 

He had a 3 year old son. He will never know him, but will know how he died
He had a 1 year daughter. She will never know him, but will know how he died.
He had a sister. She will always hurt because her little brother didn't come to her for help.
He had a brother. He will always feel that he should have done something more.
He had a mum. She will always feel that she failed. 
He had a dad. He will always feel like he failed.
He had a partner. She will always blame herself and raise their children alone.
He had many friends. They will all ask themselves why they didn't notice. 
He had depression. He couldn't confront it, or if he did, he couldn't turn the corner



NB: My final bullet points were inspired and partly taken from @chocolatewig blog post Life After Suicide with her permission. Felt it highlights the tragedy well.

19 comments:

  1. Uh, what a heart wrenching post. My mum gave up being a policewoman after being called to a suicide job, she approached a 'child' at the block of flats only to find it was the jumper and the way he jumped meant he landed funny.
    It haunted her so much that she resigned that very day.

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    1. Some people do. It's not for everyone. I considered it after a few jobs.

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  2. As someone who suffers badly with depression and has made previous suicide attempts, spent time in mental health units etc sometimes there is nothing anyone can say or do that will stop soneone... If it isn't on that day they will try again.

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    1. I know, it's a near impossible thing to comprehend. I myself have had depression and it's a very isolated place. I hope you're doing ok. Thanks for the comment.

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  3. HI, I Am new to your blog and so at this point am unawares of your situation, i do however intend to read more as this post has suckered me in. You write descriptively and i very much enjoyed it.

    First off, thank you for writing this post from the perspective of the medical people involved and secondly i am so sorry you had to find those circumstances and for describing it so compassionately, it can not have been easy.

    It was the last part of your blog post which compelled me to write to be honest. Specifically the last line, but also the last paragraph. Can i ask how you know he didnt confront it? As someone who also blogs about depression and in the last year alone has attempted suicide twice and been sectioned, this last line kinda made my blood boil a little bit. How do you know he hadnt spent the last 20 years fighting depression and losing? I am not wanting to be rude, like i say i intend to read all your blog posts and look forward to getting to know it better but i just wonder how you can possibly say he didnt confront it without knowing for sure?

    I appreciate what you said about his family and you are right but again, how do you know? My big brother killed himself in 2005 also having suffered with depression and i never once felt i hadn't helped him all i could. Mostly i just felt sad for him. FOr him to have to choose to die over living? Yes i was sad for us but how immensely sad for him.

    It is an illness not a choice, and unfortunately i have failed twice in my attempts, or fortunately for my family i keep on fighting as i have no other choice. Your post made me resolve to fight harder again because you are so right it does hurt the ones left behind, but no more that it will ever hurt the person who tries to end it.

    Thats just my opinion. I know people will disagree and thats ok and again i haven't meant to be rude and im not a troll. I cant imagine how hard it must have been for you to find him. It just irks me when people assume people who commit suicide or 'choose to end their lives' do so because they haven't tried. (Not that thats what i am saying you assume, it just comes across that way at the end of your post.)

    Sorry for going on. its just left me feeling emotive. And thank you for adding another perspective in.

    Mammywoo.

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    1. Thanks for reading and thanks for your comment. I am awful and just writing and posting! I see how what I had put was full of presumption. To be honest, all I knew is he was suffering from depression but no one close to him knew it was bad. I have edited the last sentence to reflect that. I hope you manage to find a through it. I did. Writing my blog was what did it for me. It's a horrible feeling to have and I have the deepest sympathies for the people who suffer from it. Good luck and thanks for your comment.

      Ella x

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  4. I am much less experienced than you but will never forget my first suicide job, not a hanging but a helium suicide who was a very young man. I went home and hugged my teen aged son , when I explained my tears he hugged me back.
    Good luck and God bless. Stay safe.x

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    1. Always horrible to deal with. Thanks for your comment!

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  5. shhh! im busy reading the rest of your fabulous blog!

    I like the new ending and I see your point about his family not knowing.

    Mammywoo.

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    1. Haha! Ok, I see the point you made and was my normal failing of type, read once and post! Oops! Must read twice!

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  6. Great piece of writing and the comments are so familiar. Writing my blog was te biggest part of my ongoing recovery from post natal depression x

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    1. Thank you very much. Writing helped me so much to! Glad you recovered x

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  7. This post couldn't have come at a better time. I have just today been admitted to a psychiatric unit because I attempted suicide last week, and told the crisis team that I felt suicidal today. I can definitely relate to your patient, but I also feel glad that I told someone, and was therefore able to get help, rather than actually kill myself and be found by an ambulance crew or the police.

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    1. Firstly I'm glad it may have helped you in even the smallest of ways but also glad you are getting help. Good luck!

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  8. Absolutely fantastic blog. It brought a tear to my eye. The bit that brought a tear to my eye was the bit at the end, thank you for this....

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  9. You have my total admiration. Having to deal with the death is enough but the relatives being present is unimaginable. Thank You for the sterling job you do!

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  10. Thank you for writing about this taboo subject. I lost my brother through suicide (he was a "one under")

    I blamed myself for not realising how depressed he was and that he felt he couldn't come to me for help.

    However, I'm always surprised at how many people don't want to know about suicide.

    We need to bring this subject out of the dark

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    1. What a wonderful post and some truly powerful replies. It's been great to read them all.
      From my side, I see these terrible events as a bobby. I can relate to the use of coping mechanisms and procedure is a blessing at times. You cannot allow your emotions to get the better of you at the time, but the uniform does not mean that you don't feel anything. Far from it.... The very fact that you wear the uniform means that you care...

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