Friday 27 January 2012

I smell a rat

"25 year old female, collapsed"

It is extremely rare for a 25 year to collapse from anything other than drink or drugs. If it is genuine there is normally an underlying medical condition like epilepsy or diabetes. Seeing as it was on a weekday morning in a shopping centre and due to the low priority nature of the call it had the billing of complete and utter LOB. Shopping centres are generally pretty dire places to access. It normally involves being met at a service entrance by a security guard with a very poor grasp of the English language and then directed through a maze of corridors and service lifts to the back rooms of whatever shop you're called too. Obviously, all the kit and a chair (just in case) need to be carried all this way too. Massive pain the the proverbial! Today was no different.

'Access vie service gate E, south side, escort to meet crew at gate'

Arse! Just as we feared! We pulled up, grabbed everything we may need, knowing in all likelihood we wouldn't need anything but better to have and not need than need and not have. After what seemed like an age we arrived in the back rooms of Primark. And let me assure you, the back rooms are of similar high quality to their stock! We were directed to a white door. A door without a window and a digital keypad entry system. A small blue sign was screwed to the door. 'Detention Room'. The penny dropped. 'Collapse' was code for 'Caught'. Sure enough, inside was our shoplifter....sorry, patient, feigning unconsciousness on the floor. A few quick checks, some painful stimuli and the audible threat of a nasal airway soon roused her to GCS 15 albeit with chest pain. And may I add, it was GCS 15 with a chip the size of Peru on her shoulder.

Despite my attempts at reasoning with her and laying out in simple English that pretending to be ill would have no positive effect on her wishes not to be arrested, she persisted with her ailments. I explained the waste of resources, the costs she was causing and the possible consequences of wasting an ambulance. Nothing. Whilst I continued to hit my head against a brick wall the police arrived. They had already reviewed the CCTV so when faced with denial they spelt it out plain and simple

"We watched you fill your bag with clothes and then walk out of the shop without paying. You are being arrested. If you continue down the illness route I can assure you I will double the length of time in the cells."

The total value of the goods she had stolen was £13.50. She had also been on the take in Matallan, this time forgetting to pick things without security tags. Hook, line and sinker. If you're going to risk arrest, risk prison and risk a criminal record at least make it worth your while! Strangely, as soon as she was caught by security guards cue the collapse, cue the chest pain, cue the inability to talk, cue the dizziness. Call me a cynic but I smell a rat.......And so did everyone else. Luckily for me the prospect of a prolonged stay in the cells encouraged the thieving little toe rag to make a miraculous full recovery. Despite her now medical well being her unparallelled insistence of innocence was laughable. It never ceases to amaze me the lies and stories people fabricate despite being faced with conclusive undeniable evidence.  Luckily for us we were done and didn't have to listen to her spouting off about the injustices and conspiracies that were being levelled against her. We could leave. Jobs a good'un!


  1. Grrrrr!!! B***h! She deserves extra time on sentence or bigger fine for wasting precious NHS resources!

  2. Can you not go in where the delivery wagons go?


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