Tuesday, 8 November 2011

Clean up on aisle 3

"72 year old female, generally unwell, at GP surgery, chair required"

A pretty standard job for a Monday morning. Mondays are a funny day. GP's tend not to work weekends,  so on a Monday morning everyone who is everyone flocks to the GP surgery like migrating buffalo and sits there waiting for their various ailments to be examined. As a result GP's phone a lot of ambulance to alleviate their strain. This particular patient was sitting in the waiting room with a wicked grin on her face. She was basically doing a stand up routine to all the ill and needy that Al Murray would have been proud of! Every one around her was smiling!

"Last time I was here I went up to the receptionist and said there's something wrong with my vagina"

"You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that." 

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," 

"Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something"

"I walked out the door and came straight back in and said I've got something wrong with my ear. The receptionist nodded approvingly"

"And what is wrong with your ear, madam?" 

"I can't piss out of it,"  

The waiting room erupted in laughter. What a character! I'd heard the joke before but she delivered it so well. We explained we had a chair for her. As we assisted her to standing she let rip! And I mean with gusto!

"Sorry about that, had egg and beans for breakfast"

Whilst trying to maintain some form of professionalism my crew mate managed to do the British thing of 'Keep Calm and Carry On'! Me? Not a chance, I couldn't stop laughing. She just farted! It's funny! Fact! We wheeled her to the ambulance, transferred her to bed but in doing so, she let rip again but this time we were in a metal tin.

"Sorry, how un-ladylike, that's not going to be pleasant"

I was beyond help, I was supposed to be treating her but I couldn't control the laughter. I was shaking! Verging on a seizure. With a raised eyebrow the keys were past to me and my pen confiscated. It was a sign I was to remove myself from the situation. As I stepped over my crew mates legs to get out, in the most ungainly of fashions, she did it again. This time though her tone changed, she had 'that look' on her face and the sudden smell told us all we needed to know, but she put it so well.

"Oh dear, clean up on aisle 3"

This is the kind of humour you'd expect from a drunk 20 year old but a sober 72 year old who is apparently ill? Amazing! It made our day to meet such a lovely, funny, albeit smelly woman. This is why our job is the best job in the world! You'd pay good money for that calibre of entertainment yet we get paid to watch it first hand! I didn't stop laughing for a very long time. Even writing this blog I can't help but giggle! Everyone hates monday mornings, that will never change but a little laughter goes a long way to improving ones mood!


  1. Damn! I just snorted coffee out my nose! Hooray for growing old disgracefully. Made my morning (again) that did.


  2. Excellent. Has had me holding my sides

  3. excellent was cracking up as I read this.


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